如果说申请的过程就是一个自我营销（Personal Branding）的过程，这个展示的过程有两个重要因素，一个是产品本身——申请者自身的背景和能力，一个是包装——如何按照招生官的需求呈现申请者最好的一面。

　　在包装里，文书是受到最大重视，也是很多同学最头疼的部分。小编立志每周为大家解读一段文书书写和修改的解析，争取将我们常见的文书写作中的问题以可观的方式呈现出来。

　　我们每周会解析一个Touchdown申请文书案例，让你了解文书写作中常见的问题应该如何回答，写作时经常犯的错误应该如何修改。如果你也遇到类似的问题，请联系我们预约咨询。

　　文书案例解析 03

　　原文：

　　I have to say my work at China Construction Bank (CCB) was eye-opening experience for me.

　　（1）I was assisting the entire loan issuance progress working with my supervisor who also had an engineering background as me. I was so excited about seeing in front of my eyes how bank loans help companies survive through the business challenges.

　　（2）During my work at CCB, I had opportunities to exam financial conditions and risks of different enterprises from a variety of industries, which help me gain industry insights and better prepare me for a career transition to venture capital.

　　问题（1）：

　　原来“I was assisting the entire loan issuance progress working with my supervisor who also had an engineering background as me. I was so excited about seeing in front of my eyes how bank loans help companies survive through the business challenges.”

　　更多的还是在写自己做了什么工作，更偏事实描述。比如assisting the entire loan issuance progress不是不可以，但是一定要讲清楚自己在这个工作里面的学到的东西，或者工作上自己的思考

　　修改（1）：

　　Working full time at China Construction Bank (CCB), with deeper involvement, I learned more about finance, accounting, risks, and business operation. However, I could not help noticing that bank loans can only help established companies with predictable cash flow and profitability. However, the majority of the technology firms are at early stage or even just an idea or prototype, no way they can meet the strict requirement of the bank.

　　问题（2）：

　　原文后半部分主要表达的是从CCB的工作过渡到未来做VC的想法，但是支撑点只写了一个对不同行业及公司财务情况的了解，所以这一段主要的问题在于从工作到未来职业目标上的逻辑联系不够。这也是为什么在第一部分的修改时将technology firms写进去了，因为这恰好能与申请人engineering的专业背景联系在一起

　　修改（2）：

　　I heard about venture capitalists, a group of veteran investors who invest in early stage companies. That was the start of my exploration of the world of venture capital. I did tremendous research including desk research, talking with insiders, participating in various VC events on the weekends.

修改后完整文书

（1）

　　Working full time at China Construction B ank (CCB), with deeper involvement, I learned more about finance, accounting, risks, and business operation. However, I could not help noticing that bank loans can only help established companies with predictable cash flow and profitability. However, the majority of the technology firms are at early stage or even just an idea or prototype, no way they can meet the strict requirement of the bank.

（2）

　　At this time, I heard about venture capitalists, a group of veteran investors who invest in early stage companies. That was the start of my exploration of the world of venture capital. I did tremendous research including desk research, talking with insiders, participating in various VC events on the weekends. The more I learned about it, the more I became interested at it. Later on, this interest became a passion, as I truly believe this is the best way to leverage my engineering background and my passion for technology, and eventually achieve self-realization.

点评

实习部分写作的几点注意事项

　　Tip 1: 一般实习部门会包含的内容：

　　a) 实习里面做的工作内容

　　b) 实习的收获和对这份工作的理解

　　c) 这份实习与未来自己的career goal之间的联系（主实习就更需要将这个逻辑写清楚）

　　如果实习内容足够丰富（简历里面可以体现），那大家可以采用多侧重描述b)和c)这两项；反之，需要花一定的篇幅去描述a)，但是b)和c)依然不能忽略

　　Tips 2: 实习的内容和未来的career goal要有connection，尤其是针对商科专业申请的文书，可以说实习工作是career goal强有力的支撑

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文章编辑：Touchdown Corp.

内容参考：Touchdown高级咨询师廖晶霖